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  1. Navigation menu
  2. The Straight Men Who Have Sex with Trans Women - Broadly
  3. The Straight Men Who Have Sex with Trans Women
  4. Wanting to have sex with trans women is not synonymous with undoing the stigma against loving them.

If an X sperm fertilizes an X egg, the fetus will be female. If a Y sperm fertilizes the X egg, the fetus will be male. Gender, on the other hand, refers to the cultural, and psychological traits typically associated with one sex or the other. Babies are usually assumed to have a male gender at birth if they have a penis, and a female gender if they have a vulva. Gender identity is how someone feels about their gender assignment. Sexual orientation, being lesbian, gay, bisexual or straight refers to who you are attracted to.

So if you have an FTM partner, you could definitely identify as straight , even if he has biologically female anatomy, since his gender identity is male. Those terms are a little different that bisexual, which refers to people who are attracted to both men and women.

A reader named Harley explains it like this: He is a man in his mind completely. You are a straight woman attracted to a masculine man. Just because he was born with the wrong parts doesn't mean that he is less a man than a man born with all the male parts. Just like some are born with missing body parts such as an arm, or some are born with an extra thumb, FTM's are just born with the mind of a man and our body doesn't match up with our mind. Look at intersexed people.

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Born with both genders. It is life. If you have feelings for him. Don't hold back because of the way he was born. Did she know he's into trans women? When she finds out, will she ask him if he's gay? I wonder sometimes, when I hear people spew hatred, how many of them have actually been with trans women before.

In his mid-thirties, Matt grew tired of denying himself the kind of life he's always wanted. I have been doing this for so long anyway.

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This is something I'm gonna do for me. He wanted Alicia to be more than someone he paid for sex, but there were multiple factors working against them both. Like many impoverished trans women, Alicia was addicted to drugs. She called Matt a few times desperate for cash. She looked horrible; she was thirty, forty, pounds lighter than she was when I'd first met her. It broke my heart.

The Straight Men Who Have Sex with Trans Women - Broadly

It was too painful to watch Alicia's descent into addiction, so Matt stopped seeing her and resumed living in secrecy. Six or seven years after he last saw Alicia, he attempted to find her again to no avail. She was gone, her online ads deleted. Last year, after decades of living a double life, Matt was finally ready for a partner.

He became serious about finding the right trans woman to spend his life with. But where to look? There's been an active market for trans personal ads on Craigslist for years. Clicking into the m4t category of Misc. Romance, you'll find reams of posts by trans amorous men. There is a weighty symbolism to Craigslist's subcategories: Casual Encounters is, as one would expect, the most popular. If you're cruising there, all bets are off. As the guys see it, social graces are checked at the door.

Then, over in Misc. Romance, again and again, you'll find posts by guys professing their exhaustion with Casual Encounters. They've had enough; they want more. There is a tenderness to the forum—the same users post diligently week after week in pursuit of their transgender soul mate, and stock photos of roses often accompany their ads.

With the rise of services like OkCupid, Craigslist and other trans community backchannels are becoming less necessary than they once were. In recent years OkCupid has integrated categories for transgender people. Matt made a throwaway profile on OkCupid just to see who was out there. She even told me she wasn't gonna live more than ten years.

Alicia looked healthy. According to her profile, she had a job and was looking for a relationship. Judging by the smile in her photos, she was happy. In the years since they'd separated, she quit drugs and began working in advocacy for the transgender community. She remembered him and agreed to meet, but the wall she'd built remained intact.

Sidney Starr on Transgender Women Versus Gay Men

I want more and I can give more. I held her hand and walked down the street. That was my first time not being afraid. It was hard to convince Alicia to let down her wall, but Matt understood why. It happens all the time. The looks, the stares, sometimes they say things.

The Straight Men Who Have Sex with Trans Women

I remember our first date where we were together and it wasn't for money and sex. It was a date. We were walking to downtown Brooklyn, to sit on the rocks under the Brooklyn Bridge. I held her hand, and walked down the street and we sat on the rocks and had a really romantic night. A door across the room from us suddenly opened. Alicia passed through it, coming from the kitchen with a fresh plateful of empanadas. Matt grinned like a little kid. He tried to pull her onto the sofa but she refused, saying, "You two talk! She was barefoot in a floor length, striped jersey summer dress.

Eventually she gave in, and took a seat beside him. Girls Night Out: Matt and Alicia share a "normal" life together. They're both in their forties, they both work full time, and they both take care of their bodies. He loves her ambitious personality and sense of humor. Alicia told me it goes both ways. One of Alicia's friends told me, 'You're the only one. The only guy here. I'd like to see more. She was mostly a bottom.

But then I guess she topped him one time, which is a stigma in and of itself. He said to me, 'Does that make me gay? If it felt good and you're making your partner happy, go for it. What the hell. Have fun, let it go. Alicia shook her head, laughing.

If they were bad I'd say, pretty much! I think every trans partner is as special as the trans woman they're with. Matt has progressively gained Alicia's trust.

Wanting to have sex with trans women is not synonymous with undoing the stigma against loving them.

Sharing their home was a big step for both of them, and Matt saw it as crucial to showing his sincerity. I should be proudly sharing her in every part of my life," he said, referring to his colleagues and family, two groups with which he's yet to break that seal of secrecy. It may not be safe to—Matt's colleagues say hateful things about trans women.

Alicia's told me not to stick my neck out at work, but a couple of times I said, 'You know what, I bet that person who has been conflicted their whole lives, and has probably suffered their whole life, is finally free. As Cristina Herrera sees it, guys like Matt have the cards stacked against them. The cultural stigma against loving trans women is deeply ingrained into our society to the point of ubiquity. It makes other men much more nervous.


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They know it could happen to them, that their friends or colleagues might treat them the same way if they knew. Our Untold Stories: Trans People Defying Stereotypes. We try awfully hard to bend ourselves around language, but even the people who feel best represented with words like "straight" don't fit all the criteria.